I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
