Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
