The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
