i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
