i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
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