i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize