i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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