god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
