I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
