I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
