nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you will always have a special place in my vag
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
