kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
