im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Im part way to drunk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
