I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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