Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize