This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
