I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
