3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
