Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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