We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
