hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
