I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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