I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
