I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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