I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
