I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to make out with him forever
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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