I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
