I think im going to throw up on grandma
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
