Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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