Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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