i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
