Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
