he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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