So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
