my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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