i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
