even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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