I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
