Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
