You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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