I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
