I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i will never coherently bang her
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
