You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
