woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
