Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
