i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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