My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
