totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
