I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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