I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
