My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
