According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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