chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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