I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
