Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
