happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
