Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
