A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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