Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
