vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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